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This Is The Fear, This Is The Dread, These Are The Contents Of My Head…

This is a Memoir of the 142 days I recently spent with Daphne, who is the only true love of my life.  Yes, most would say 142 days is not a long enough time to determine such a thing.  But as others say, “you know when you know.”  I quickly discovered this by my actions, selflessness, and thoughts towards her.  I also discovered that I had emotions and feelings, which I thought had disappeared long before.  I’ve been through short relationships, long relationships, and I was married for nine years.  Through all of those other relationships, no matter how long together and no matter whether it was at the beginning or the end of the relationship, I never felt like I was with the love of my life, the only true one.  I never actually believed such a concept existed.  I was shocked to find that it does and that I found the one to proof it to me.

I started this Memoir and site on September 22, 2018, 75 days after Daphne vacated my life – she virtually vanished overnight.  So I ask myself, “how could she have been the one, if she is not here with me now, if she left you so effortlessly.”  If you find the one, aren’t they supposed to feel the same about you.  If not, were they really the one.  I’ve lived a life and I know my own relationship behaviors, and therefore, what she truly is to me.  But is the love I feel for her all based on a false facade that Daphne presented to me.  I don’t know.  Whoever that person was, I continue to be desperately in love with her or the ghost of her.

I feel immensely compelled to create this Memoir and blog site, although maybe I should not.  Discovering the answers I seek may not ease the pain and may just cause more.  This Memoir was not created directly for Daphne and it is not an attempt to bring her back to me.  I know she is gone.  However, I do seek answers as to why she left so suddenly and how she could just turn her back on me so readily and easily.  She would probably say that she provided me with ample reasons, but it doesn’t all add up, there is something missing.  I hope these answers will come through simply writing this, if only through self-realization and self-examination.  I must try something, I can no longer just sit staring blankly out my window.  I have to make an attempt at something that might bring closure.

The following tabs present a general timeline of my emotional state since about mid-relationship to my current state.  My current emotional state is reflected in the songs in the playlist at the top of this page.  The forthcoming posts will provide the storyline of the 142 days Daphne and I spent together, as well as a chronicle of my current emotions when reflecting on those times.  The Preface pages present my motivation for creating this Memoir, the methodology used in writing it, and Daphne and I’s history before the 142 days began.  These topics furnish the necessary context for my ensuing posts.

If 142 Days of Daphne sounds familiar, you may be thinking of the movie 500 Days of Summer.  I can’t get myself to watch it again, but I did see it when it first came out.  While I don’t remember all the specifics, I do remember that the underlying story is very similar to my recent time with Daphne.  That is to say, I fell madly in love with Daphne, she didn’t do the same with me.  She did tell me several times that she loved me, but perhaps that was out of a need to reciprocate.  I worshiped her and yet she could never truly commit to me or a romantic relationship.  Daphne and I started off as friends, but eventually we became physical and so much more.  She never would claim we were officially dating, only that we were working towards it.  Of course, everyone will say that should have been my clue and that is the reason I am where I am today.  But does it matter if we were officially dating.  We hung out all the time, we texted to the tune of an average of 81 messages a day, we talked on the phone, we had sex all the time, we made plans for future travels and activities, we discussed our problems and demons, and we revealed intimate details of our lives.

I cannot really capture in words how close we were, or how close I thought we were.  I always wanted to be around her and she seemingly always wanted to be around me.  So even if we weren’t officially dating, we were in an intimate and deeply emotional relationship.  I suppose the only difference is that when you are officially dating there is an expectation of fidelity.  She made it clear she was in a fragile emotional state due to her previous relationship and that is why she could not commit to me.   Sometimes I thought that I shouldn’t waste my time on someone who wouldn’t even care if they lost me.

On July 8, 2018 (exactly three months ago from today when I’m writing this section), she spilled the beans.  The beans that I will save to be discussed for the blog.  Thereafter, she completely closed herself off and broke off all communication with me with the exception of a few more texts and emails to “sew some loose ends.”  Overnight, she disappeared from my life.  There was no warning.  This is all similar to 500 Days of Summer and some say that the leading male character was actually at fault for the end result, as he was delusional and didn’t listen to her or the clues that were dropped.  That too may be the case here.

As I write this, I often think this Memoir is a ridiculous idea, asking myself how pathetic am I that I need to do this.  This is not the case of me being an overly-sensitive to the separation.  Although, this whole thing feels “cheesy” sometimes, like a romantic novel, and somewhat emasculating.  However, these feelings I have are real and unwavering.  There are many reasons to write this, which I’ve detailed in the Preface.  However, one of the main reasons is that I am just creating this all to work my way through the emotional logic.  I have never needed to do something even remotely like this before.  With the exception of my high school girlfriend, I have barely felt much of any hurt at the ending of any of my past relationships.  I was virtually indifferent at the start and at the conclusion of my divorce.  My previous emotion detachment always made me feel that it was not possible for me to have such love for someone.  My love for Daphne is not a retrospective emotion surfacing just because our separation.  I knew how much I loved her in the midst of our time together. 

Daphne also became my best friend.  In those 142 days, we eventually did everything together and revealed so much about ourselves to each other.  I gave all of myself to her and she gave what she could, which is all I needed at the time.  For the first time in my life, I treated the other person in my relationship with respect, understanding, adulation, and unwavering love.  I was selfless and wanted to give her everything and do  everything for her.  My entire life’s purpose started to become about Daphne.  You will say that is unhealthy, but not having treated someone like that ever before, I didn’t care and don’t care.  I felt love in my heart for the first time – a heart I didn’t know I had.  It was real, true love and I wanted to express and act upon it.

For myself, if nothing else, I can proudly say that I have nearly no regrets how I behaved or how I treated her.  This is something I could never say about my former relationships.  She was my queen and I treated her as such.   With the exception of one thing, I don’t feel like I left “anything on the table.”  Because Daphne could not commit to an official relationship with me, I sometimes protected myself by holding back my feelings and actions.  I often didn’t feel like it was my right to just embrace her, kiss her, hold her at will with the true depth of my love and passion for her.  I felt like I had to wait for the okay from her to respect her boundaries and to create a small boundary for myself in case something happened between us.  And of course something did, and that little boundary I created for myself has not helped at all.  

I cannot understand how a relationship where there is a mutual profession of love, constant communication, continual desire to be around one another, ample sex, similar psychological conditions, and few arguments or disagreements could be terminated so readily.  Up until the last minutes, everything was fine – there was never an indication of issues or conflicting feelings.  All of a sudden, there was an admission of dishonest behavior on her part, but Daphne never asked me for forgiveness and simply shut me out never to be heard from again.  I wonder if the promises she couldn’t keep, make it hard for her to sleep.  

While her sordid actions spurred the separation, there was no discussion, no gratitude for what I did for her, only one “sorry,” and no real goodbye.  She seemed completely indifferent with little sign of distress.  She acted like I was a complete stranger and barely acknowledged the pain she caused.  I would hope she would’ve shown a little remorse and respect for the wonderful 142 days we spent.  She did not ease me into understanding anything and I was left confused, distraught, and utterly alone.  How could she, how could any human, do that to another person based on how close we were and how much I gave of myself.   …And to not provide closure or proper explanations is incomprehensible to me.  Forget love, how could one not care enough for another human being to help ease someone else’s pain or provide them the answers they need to move on.  

I was completely blindsided, shell-shocked, and unable to comprehend Daphne’s sudden disappearance from my life.  She did provide some valid life events that were understandably leading to confusion in her life and maybe I just don’t want to completely believe they were the reasons why she left me in the dark.  If I took those reasons to heart, it would make this whole Memoir moot.  We were so close over those 142 days, even till the end, which is partially why I cannot fully understand her reasoning.  It is not the ending of the relationship that has brought me so much distress, it has mostly been the lack of answers and comprehension.  I can’t understand, the ease with which she pulled away her hand.

Ever since she left, I have been a shattered and broken person.  There are times when I think I’ve finally got over her and that I’m starting to feel better.  However, the ghost of her never completely fades and keeps resurfacing.  This is one of the many reasons how I know I found (and lost) the only love of my life.  This experience has changed me in a manner I have never seen in myself before.  I am unable to go back to my old self and unable to move forward.  Everyone goes through breakups, some worse than others, but this was different for me.  I never really cared too much in the past, including my divorce.  The abruptness of the ending was brutal for me.  I was effectively catatonic for the first four weeks after.  I could not do much of anything, go anywhere, or eat.  I lost 15 pounds.  Most of all, I could not speak to people in any meaningful way, sadly including my own son.  I just emotionally shut down and socially shut myself off.  While I have improved from that state, I continue to struggle.  “Why must I dream and always see her face???”

The larger quandary with this particular separation is that Daphne was the one to me – the one love you search for your whole life and may never find.  Whether you know it our not, when you participate in the dating process you are ultimately engaging in a system of surveying and vetting others all in a search for the one true love of your life.  If you enter a relationship with the person that is not believed to be the one, then you either breakup with the person and continue the search or remain in the relationship for other reasons, which may include a fear of being alone, inability to act, disbelieve in the concept of the one, and thinking that you cannot do better.  I got married and stayed in the marriage for an extended period for all of these reasons, but mainly the last two.  

When you spend your life searching for your only love, you go through relationship after relationship (or just give up and settle) to find them.  However, those relationships are all an upward climb toward your ultimate goal.  The breakups may or may not be difficult, but in an existential sense you are always growing and moving forward.  But what happens if you reach the summit and amazingly find the one you have been looking for your whole life but it doesn’t work out.  How do you carry on and try dating others.  You have already reached the plateau.  Any other relationship will be a step backward and everyone else be a disappointment.   In terms of relationships, you will no longer be moving forward and will be going backwards the rest of your life.  This is where I stand and this is the larger issue I’m struggling with.  In the midst of our relationship, I kept thinking to myself that this would be the case if the relationship somehow got screwed up.  I would think that if we ever separated, I would be alone the rest of my life.  And here I am…  Was it foreshadowing or a self-fulfilling prophecy?