One year ago today, I went to have dinner with a prospective business client from out of town.  The restaurant was only a few blocks from the strip club I frequented.  After drinking plenty at dinner, I naturally made my way to the strip club despite it being a week night.  As usual, I sat and drank at the separate back bar away from the crowds.  After a little while, I saw an unbelievable sight in the corner of my eye.  The most beautiful women I’ve ever seen in person entered the back bar.  She was simply breathtaking.  It was because of the dark, nearly black hair.  Right when she walked through the door I saw her eyes and of course knew instantly who it was.  She too knew who I was when I looked at her.  My jaw dropped.  She went from a girlish young blonde when I first met her to a full blown stunning, sophisticated woman.  I cannot express how drop-dead gorgeous she looked.

Daphne immediately sat down next to me.  I was extremely nervous and a little shell-shocked.  After two years, here she was again.  Like I said, during the interim I never really thought of her and never expected to see her again.  Nonetheless, I never forgot her out of many before her that I did forget.  Naturally I asked where she was all that time.  Daphne told me that she had met some guy at the strip club two years ago that had effectively swept her off her feet.  He was from Texas, not the same town/state that we were from, but apparently was here a lot.  This guy was around my age and apparently spoiled her extensively.  Ultimately, she quit college, dropped everything, and moved from here to Texas to live with him – that is where she had been the last two years.

I was a little sad.  I was separated, but still married, two years prior, so there isn’t anything I could’ve done at the time.  Although, I wish I would have bought her those sun glasses.  I missed out by just a little.  Was this my second chance???

So why was she back here???  I will save what details I know for later, but Daphne said it wasn’t working and she needed to get back to where she felt her home was.  So she left him and moved back here.  However, it was unclear whether she really left him, he left her, or whether it was just a little break from each other. 

Daphne and I talked a lot that night about our lives.  Despite what I said in the Preface, its remarkable how much your memory comes back to you when you reconnect with someone.  Things I never thought of came back easily.  I told her that oddly I texted her on her birthday just to send good vibes out.  She confirmed that she changed her phone number.  Of course, we drank a lot as well.  And true to old form, Daphne asked me for the standard $300 that she used to ask me for.  Naturally, I had to get my jab in – that being that the last time I saw her two years ago at the club, she got my $300 and ditched me immediately.  Like I said, this is the game you play.  So I played.  I told her I would the next day if she went to dinner with me.  She agreed and I gave her my business card.

I loved seeing her again and had a great time catching up with her.  I did not think that this was any different than when we used to hang out at the club.  I didn’t think she was going to contact me the next day and I didn’t think anything would come of our reconnection – only that we would hang out again at the strip club whenever I might be there.  I would be lying if I said I wasn’t thinking of her constantly when I got home, throughout the night, and into the next morning.  But I was not really expecting anything more would happen.  Obviously, there was so much more to come.

So that is what happened a year ago today.  Right now, I’m doing about the same as my last entry.  I’m not thinking about her as much, but the damage of the whole experience is prevalent.  I just feel so broken and nothing helps ease the pain.  It relates to not having interest in the things I used to, which weren’t much to begin with.  I don’t look forward to anything.  When I get home from work, I’m constantly looking at the clock hoping its time for bed cause I have nothing to do.  Setting up this website and blog gave me a good purpose, but it didn’t take me long and now I have no more outlets.  The other difficulty is the aforementioned “Existential Quandary.”  I still cannot imagine being with others romantically and dwell on the possibility that I will be alone the rest of my life.  I realize that sounds dramatic to most, but I know who I am and I how I react.

I also wonder if I will carry on with this Memoir.  It has indeed been therapeutic, but like I wished, I’m maybe already discovering the answers I was seeking.  As I hoped, getting this all organized and laid out has brought some clarity.  However, I would like to see this through and not make any preconceived conclusions until this is finished.  I just don’t know if that will be the case.

Finally, I will inform you that “the cat is out of the bag.”  I texted Daphne the website address on her birthday.  I could not resist, I just wanted to see my birthday blog to her and let her know that I still think of her.  Of course, I got no response, nor did I expect to.  That is alright, as I always said that I am writing this Memoir for me.

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