Tomorrow will be the one-year anniversary of Daphne’s and I’s relationship becoming more than just superficial exchanges. This is where the blog really starts. All of my writing thus far has just been preamble getting me to this point. And now that I’m here, I’m wondering if I will carry on and see this through. I’ve gotten some of what I wanted out of creating this website/blog, which was a creative diversion to help carry me through the void and emptiness of my life. I still feel those things, but I almost feel like the website is basically complete with only tweaks and fine tuning to be made. I’m not sure I can get much more out of it from an artistic perspective. I am personally impressed with the visual presentation and usage of multimedia. The rest of this website is writing the blog.
I still am deeply affected by what transpired between Daphne and I. I still think about her frequently. Although, I don’t constantly dwell on her. My life has moved on, but not completely. In a way, the trouble I’m still having no longer has to do implicitly with Daphne anymore, rather the way in which things ended and how that just broke me. I feel like those events sucked what little life I had left in my soul. I’m devastated, not by her anymore, but by the feeling of being defeated and hopeless. It is not something that is readily curable. I forgave Daphne (in my mind) early on, so even if she reappeared tomorrow brimming with remorse, I’m not sure it would matter to my disposition. I already forgave her, so that wouldn’t be the issue. I feel so shattered now that I don’t know that anything can reverse the damage. The hurt has moved beyond her.
Existential Quandary Emerges
I have found that some of my initial premonitions have come true or continue to fester. The fear I had about the “Existential Quandary” has surfaced – if one reaches the summit of relationships (i.e. finding your true love) and it doesn’t work out, how does one date in reverse (i.e. entering into relationships that are incomplete and unfulfilling because one can only have one true love). I ran back to Amanda and another dancer acquaintance a few times. Not for sex, but for companionship and for any sense of hope that I can still care and put forth an effort. So far, I can’t. I no longer have any interest in women I don’t connect with. While I don’t necessarily compare other girls to Daphne, I am acutely aware of the discrepancies in the interactions. Awkward silences, for example. Daphne and I never had them. I do with others. I also find that I stop myself from being overly nice or passively patient. My other perpetual problem is that I still am unable to enjoy the things that used to at least amuse me. For all of these reasons, I am stuck within a bleak mental state.
Succumbing to the Obvious
I also find myself falling into the trap of thinking that the reasoning for the Daphne relationship and its bitter ending is obvious. Thus far, I have painted a fairly negative portrayal of her that would appear to support the stripper stereotype. I start to think I was just being used (which I know seems apparent to others). I begin thinking that I was just another mental conquest for her and that I should not have started reaching for more from her. That I should not have expected anything different from someone who had treated me so poorly up to this point. I have to remind myself that this story has not even begun yet, everything presented to this point has just provided the background and setting. The blog starts tomorrow and will finally begin to reveal why I fell so madly in love with Daphne.
Am I Done, Or Has This Just Begun
Can I carry this blog all the way through the 142 days? I am not sure. Like everything else, time erodes the once unwavering passion. Daphne and I did not talk or text on probably only two of the 142 days. As mentioned, between February 16, 2018 and July 8, 2018, we averaged 81 texts per day. To keep up with writing a blog day-after-day covering all of that content would be very taxing, especially with no real reward at the end. Just finding the headline pictures for each blog entry alone is tedious. So, I now often think I should just let this whole thing go. Of course, anyone else would say that I should have done that two weeks after she disappeared. If I do carry on, it will be more just to provide myself with a goal and a sense of accomplishment. I do plan on writing Day 1, at a minimum, to provide the blog with either a beginning or closure. See you there!