DAY ONE

My God, its officially been a year!  Unbelievable, the events that made me so happy for 142 days and so miserable since were put into motion a year ago today.  On February 16, 2018, the walls between Daphne and I were broken down and we got real with one another.  I think I was always pretty real with her, or tried to be, but she really never was until a year ago today.  As mentioned, I saved all of Daphne and I’s text messages since this day a year ago.  I never initially intended to do so, as I am the type who usually deletes my text messages after a few days.  I just felt compelled to save hers and as we grew closer that compulsion increased.  Overall, we collectively sent 363 text messages on this day one year prior.  Using an app, I exported all of our text messages and have extracted the ones from February 16, 2018 at the bottom of this post.

Can You Hook Me Up?

Of all things, it started with her texting me out of the blue to see if I could hook her up with some coke for her friends.  We only discovered each other consumed coke the last time we saw each one another in December.  Strangely, had we not discovered that, she might never had reached out to me that night, which would have made this whole memoir avoidable.  As such, I can’t say whether that discovery was a good or bad thing at this point.  Anyways, I quickly reminded her how she dissed me the last time we communicated and sent her a middle-finger emoji.  She had no recollection of it, which she blamed on not being herself recently.  She did apologize and call herself an asshole.  I told her I couldn’t get her anything that night and that I wasn’t a dealer anyways.  She asked if I could the next day (which was actually later in the same day, this texting occurred early morning).  I said I would think about it.

Broken Barriers

Daphne texted me in the morning.  She didn’t mention the coke, but I knew she was just trying to stay present so she could hit me up later.  In her efforts to stay in front of me, she opened up and started to reveal her personal struggles.  As a clinically depressed person, I am all about those kinds of conversations and I was intrigued.  I know it sounds strange for being a stripper, but Daphne seemed to be pretty perfect and to have a fairly decent and fulfilling life for a 28-year-old.  I knew there were some issues, but I never thought she had any serious issues with depression or anxiety.  I was wrong.  Her personal disclosures allowed me to reveal my own mental issues, although with me, I believe those issues are somewhat apparent to others.  Daphne’s efforts to stay present and in front of me worked, as I agreed to find her what she needed.  I couldn’t get it till later that night. 

Throughout the day, we continued to text back and forth all day long discussing our problems.  As is always the case, I prodded to understand her issues and to get to the root of who she was.  We both really dug in deep discussing some heavy issues with happiness, depression, meds, introversion, friendships, exes, hopes, dreams, and everything in between.  I occasionally tried to slip in a few unassuming flirty messages.  I have always enjoyed music lyrics, powerful quotes, short poetry, spoken word, etc. and am sometimes able to write my own verse when I am particularly motivated.  I think this is because I often have difficulty verbally conveying more serious emotions or thoughts, but when I have the time to deliberately lay out my thoughts in writing I can be more eloquent.  I just recently made the following video clip.  This was never given to Daphne, but I texted her the prose within when we were discussing her recent self-inflicted isolation.

Play Video

Relationship Revelations

Daphne was obviously in some sort of rut that had broken her down.  I realize she reached out to me with different intentions, but I think she discovered that she inadvertently found the right person to speak to about these matters.  It was apparent that Daphne’s current mental instability largely revolved around her ex-boyfriend – the one in Texas that she had lived with for two years and had moved back here to escape.  Rather than me trying to capture the sentiment of her feelings, below, I extracted some of the texts she messaged me that day about him and their relationship.  I think it is pretty evident that this guy was an asshole and treated her like shit.  I did not understand why she was distraught over him, but at the time, I did not really try to.  I just wanted to support her and to help justify her reactions and emotions.  Daphne’s ex had obviously hurt her in some deep-seeded manner that still gravely affected her months later. 

“It was emotionally abusive, The mind fuckery is so daunting.” 

--- Daphne

RE: Relationship with Ex - Quote #1

"I’ve watched friends in abusive relationships and supported them and could give them helpful advice all day long, but I learned there’s nothing like being in it yourself....And how much I allowed this person hurt me. It literally feels like Stockholm syndrome” 

--- Daphne

RE: Relationship with Ex - Quote #2

“Like nobody is immune, they have a recipe for hooking you, I feel like a narcissist could hook the most brilliant successful people if they wanted” 

--- Daphne

RE: Relationship with Ex - Quote #3

“So even after the person is gone all their ugly seeds are still planted and matured in there, That’s probably the basis of what I’m going through right now” 

--- Daphne

RE: Relationship with Ex - Quote #4

Slider

The Exchange

Daphne and I texted until the early evening, then we agreed to meet later that night so I could provide her with the coke for her friends.  After some complications in obtaining the stuff, we decided to meet at an old Mexican restaurant not too far from her home.  I got there first and sat at the bar.  I waited quite a while for her, drinking and drinking and getting drunk.  I was very nervous to meet up with her even though we obviously had hung out before.  This time was different because we had revealed more personal matters to one another just within the span of that day than we had the entire five years prior.  I felt a little more exposed and self-conscious than normal.  When she finally arrived, she was dressed casual.  I don’t think I ever saw Daphne dressed casually before and it felt like she was a little more exposed because of it.  She seemed much more real to me.  We had only planned on getting a quick drink and then making the exchange, but Daphne wanted to eat which was great news to me.  More time with her was always welcome.  Daphne was very hungry, so we ordered a lot of food and drank even more.  I did my best, but often failed, looking at her.  I could never look at Daphne directly in the eyes.  Her beauty shocked me.  She was my Medusa that easily turned me into stone.

Shut It Down

Daphne and I closed the place out.  We carried on our discussions from earlier in the day, but mixed in some more light-hearted banter.  The barriers were definitely brought down.  Daphne was no longer just an object of desire to me, she was a real person with true emotions and problems.  I think she probably saw the same in me.  When we were formerly just acquaintances that met at a strip club, we were just superficial beings exhibiting false social facades each with different motivations.  That all eroded that day.  When we left, I got in her car to give her the stuff and just before exiting I, for a split second, thought about kissing her.  However, I knew that would be unexpected, maybe revolting to her, because that is not why she was there.  Her purpose was initially to obtain the “snow,” but I do think she was pleasantly surprised to find a confidant and a connection.  She was not looking for anything else at that point.  From there, we went our separate ways and began constantly texting again later that night into the early morning.

Text Messages: February 16, 2018

Extraction of all text messages between Daphne and Noah on February 16, 2018.  Redacted where necessary to protect personal and geographic info.  Excludes any media, advanced emoji, gifs, or other attachments.

Date_TimeSenderMessage
02/16/2018 00:15:30DaphneYou awake?
02/16/2018 00:16:57NoahSorta
02/16/2018 00:17:34DaphneHa ok
02/16/2018 00:17:47DaphneI need party favors
02/16/2018 00:17:51DaphneCan u help?
02/16/2018 00:18:50NoahNo. Got my kid.
02/16/2018 00:19:06DaphneGotcha
02/16/2018 00:21:22NoahAnd u dissed me. So don't think i would anyway. Haha
02/16/2018 00:22:12DaphneHow??
02/16/2018 00:22:15DaphneNever
02/16/2018 00:22:45DaphneSry if I did somehow, haven’t been myself
02/16/2018 00:24:01DaphneDo u have any? Leave under your mat I’ll leave you lots of $$. I need for a good friend
02/16/2018 00:24:40DaphneTrying to help them out. I’m at home in PJs lol I’d just come pick up for them
02/16/2018 00:25:54NoahNo, I don't have any. And my peeps dont work this late anyways.
02/16/2018 00:26:13DaphneUghh
02/16/2018 00:26:21DaphneI need a new connect
02/16/2018 00:26:22DaphneLol
02/16/2018 00:26:33DaphneMy old one is an old married man now
02/16/2018 00:26:58NoahJust like me... haha
02/16/2018 00:27:16Daphne-married
02/16/2018 00:27:19Daphne-old
02/16/2018 00:27:41DaphneI wish I was home with a kiddo
02/16/2018 00:28:13DaphneI’ve got my fur babies for now
02/16/2018 00:28:27DaphneThere’s a new one 🙂
02/16/2018 00:33:05DaphneEinstein
02/16/2018 00:35:02NoahOf course, Einstein, much smarter than me. He landed with u!
02/16/2018 00:35:36DaphneWhen did I diss you?
02/16/2018 00:35:41DaphneThat makes me sad
02/16/2018 00:38:09NoahUmm, sometime in January. U asked me to take u out. I think u asked on a Wed, I said i couldn't till Friday. U said ok. We texted on Friday back n forth. Then i said, are we going out or what. Never heard from u again.
02/16/2018 00:38:51DaphneUgh what an asshole. I’m sorry
02/16/2018 00:38:54DaphneSo so sorry
02/16/2018 00:39:14DaphneOmg
02/16/2018 00:48:31NoahThat's love!
02/16/2018 00:48:52DaphneShe’s a pig !
02/16/2018 00:49:50NoahA comfortable, loving
02/16/2018 00:50:00DaphneThey both are but mama’s the worst
02/16/2018 00:50:04DaphneHaha yes
02/16/2018 00:50:42DaphneBaby boy knows he’s 100lbs he doesn’t even try, his head is bigger than mine
02/16/2018 00:51:27DaphneHe’s missing an eye
02/16/2018 00:54:00NoahWhose the girl in the pic?
02/16/2018 00:54:16DaphneOmg?
02/16/2018 00:54:21DaphneMe
02/16/2018 00:54:32Daphne**omg!
02/16/2018 00:54:56NoahOhh, am i texting the right person???
02/16/2018 00:55:26DaphneWho knows
02/16/2018 00:56:00DaphneI think you are. The doesn’t look like me?
02/16/2018 00:56:18NoahJust kidding. I was gonna ask u to hook me up, but i can see she's taken.
02/16/2018 00:56:19DaphneI’m baby faced there
02/16/2018 00:57:31DaphneHaha
02/16/2018 00:57:43NoahUr skin does look a little darker.
02/16/2018 00:57:52DaphneHe tries. I found my bra in his crate right now
02/16/2018 01:13:49DaphneCan U help tomorrow?
02/16/2018 01:32:44NoahI dunno. I swore i wouldn't talk to u again. But u caught me half asleep, n down in a hole. Ask me tomorrow.
02/16/2018 01:35:39DaphneThat bad huh? Okay tomorrow. Sleep well
02/16/2018 01:37:05DaphneAgain I’m sorry if I was rude it wasn’t intentional. I haven’t been myself I can explain in person. Goodnight
02/16/2018 01:38:05NoahJust a pattern with the interactions with you and I over the years.
02/16/2018 01:38:20NoahBut u have a good night too!
02/16/2018 01:38:57DaphneYea that’s fair. Hope you’re still patient
02/16/2018 09:43:24DaphneGood morning
02/16/2018 09:48:25NoahAww shit. I thought it was all a dream.
02/16/2018 09:49:17DaphneSorry
02/16/2018 09:49:45NoahHaha. Good morning.
02/16/2018 09:49:55Daphne
02/16/2018 09:50:00DaphneSleep well?
02/16/2018 09:50:21NoahNever. U?
02/16/2018 09:50:36DaphneYea I did
02/16/2018 09:51:34DaphneMelatonin wine and Benadryl seems to do the trick for me lol. I’ve been crazy insomniac lately
02/16/2018 09:54:18NoahI can take 20 melatonin pills and it does nothing. Only thing that works is getting trashed.
02/16/2018 09:54:46DaphneOh man, that’s rough....
02/16/2018 09:56:54DaphneAny idea why?
02/16/2018 09:58:00NoahLots of other meds.
02/16/2018 09:58:28DaphneLike?
02/16/2018 09:58:32DaphneI’m so curious
02/16/2018 09:59:56NoahAnd an endless chain of girls that always disappoint, leaving me shuddered for days.
02/16/2018 10:00:14NoahHehe
02/16/2018 10:00:17DaphneThat’s not a medication
02/16/2018 10:00:31DaphneNice try!
02/16/2018 10:00:47NoahHead meds
02/16/2018 10:01:01DaphneI know
02/16/2018 10:01:40DaphneI’m curious
02/16/2018 10:01:41DaphneBut that’s cool, be private
02/16/2018 10:01:42DaphneI’ve tried a lot of them, they all suck
02/16/2018 10:04:54NoahUve tried a lot, i think ive tried them all. Ive got a pharmacy at home. Upper, downer, leveler. Lol.
02/16/2018 10:05:17DaphneYikes
02/16/2018 10:05:59DaphneBe careful Noah !
02/16/2018 10:07:24NoahAll prescribed n approved for my consumption.
02/16/2018 10:15:29DaphneI know
02/16/2018 10:15:31DaphneBut still
02/16/2018 10:16:25NoahYeah, alcohol n snow were not prescribed!
02/16/2018 10:16:28DaphneI’m one of those loonies w no trust for doctors
02/16/2018 10:16:54DaphneBest combo IMO
02/16/2018 10:18:25NoahYeah, sure does better than all the prescriptions.
02/16/2018 10:18:48DaphneBaths too
02/16/2018 10:18:56DaphneThose help me sleep
02/16/2018 10:18:59DaphneW magnesium
02/16/2018 10:20:00NoahWhat does magnesium do?
02/16/2018 10:23:11DaphneJust a natural relaxation aid
02/16/2018 10:23:29DaphneIt’s in Epsom salts for the bath
02/16/2018 10:23:43DaphneJust helps give that cozy drowsy feeling
02/16/2018 10:24:04DaphneI take it in that natural calm drink powder too
02/16/2018 10:24:08DaphneYou should try it
02/16/2018 10:28:36NoahWhat tine do u think we could do that?
02/16/2018 10:29:15DaphneI’ll draw you a bath lol
02/16/2018 10:50:12DaphneCan u find me stuff today? Pretty pleeeease?
02/16/2018 10:50:43DaphneIt’s so rare I look for it I don’t have a connection
02/16/2018 10:53:04DaphneI’d be super grateful
02/16/2018 10:53:34NoahAre u on a binge? Haha
02/16/2018 10:53:56DaphneNot at all
02/16/2018 10:54:16NoahJust kidding, doesn't matter to me.
02/16/2018 10:54:41DaphneHaha
02/16/2018 10:55:16DaphneNo it’s so rare and not for me, it’s for a girlfriend of mine
02/16/2018 10:57:30DaphneHaha
02/16/2018 11:02:37DaphneKrista...
02/16/2018 11:19:17NoahIm not a dealer. But maybe. How much? is 190. With the exception of last time i got it, some of best ever in xxxx.
02/16/2018 11:21:43NoahI could usually do it in day, but my kid gets outta School early today. Then i have him till bout 8pm, which makes it difficult. Can definitely get it, but probably wouldn't get it ro u till 9.
02/16/2018 11:22:54DaphneNo problem!! I can meet ya wherever
02/16/2018 11:23:07DaphneThank you so so much
02/16/2018 11:23:21DaphneShe’ll be thrilled
02/16/2018 11:24:01NoahReally, how bout in your bathtub?
02/16/2018 11:24:16Noah
02/16/2018 11:24:30NoahHow much?
02/16/2018 11:24:36DaphneHaha
02/16/2018 11:24:51DaphneUm idk, like 2g? I think?
02/16/2018 11:25:06DaphneWhatever’s easy
02/16/2018 11:27:18NoahA ball or 1/2 ball? = 3.5 grams = $190.
02/16/2018 11:28:30Daphne1/2 I suppose
02/16/2018 11:54:57DaphneThank you!!!
02/16/2018 12:14:34NoahGreat, she hasn't got back to me. If she doesn't, I'll have to go into the hood! It will also be $10 more n isnt as good. Ur call if i dont hear from her.
02/16/2018 12:15:37DaphneYea that’s ok too, not picky
02/16/2018 12:15:42DaphneYea that’s ok too, not picky
02/16/2018 12:16:47NoahIt's ok i get shot in the hood, or ok with the price increase? Lol.
02/16/2018 12:17:20DaphneOk with the price naturally
02/16/2018 12:17:23DaphneDon’t get shot!!
02/16/2018 12:17:48DaphneI’m just super happy u can find it for me !!
02/16/2018 12:21:50NoahUh uh. No. I'm no dealer. This is only time. Unless im getting for myself. I can't give u number n can't introduce.
02/16/2018 12:22:57DaphneI know....
02/16/2018 12:23:48DaphneI wouldn’t ask for those things.
02/16/2018 12:27:23DaphneBut actually do an if you can. If not half is cool! Anything really
02/16/2018 12:28:50DaphneI reread my text, hope u didn’t think I was suggesting an ongoing thing lol. Told u this is super rare
02/16/2018 12:47:21NoahIs Krista ur new stage name?
02/16/2018 12:47:35NoahHaha. I got jokes today!
02/16/2018 12:47:37DaphneNo
02/16/2018 12:47:44DaphneHa ha
02/16/2018 12:47:54DaphneIt would be a good one for me
02/16/2018 12:48:06DaphneI’m not working right now though
02/16/2018 12:48:41DaphneI’m trying to get healthy 🙂 that job was catching up w me
02/16/2018 12:59:02NoahWhat's wrong? U alright?
02/16/2018 12:59:36DaphneGetting there
02/16/2018 13:00:10NoahMental, physical, both?
02/16/2018 13:01:25DaphneMental
02/16/2018 13:03:02NoahSorry! Im an expert at that. Been dealing my whole life with it. Hope u get better soon.
02/16/2018 13:03:41DaphneMe too
02/16/2018 13:04:09DaphneI will. Then worse. Then better. Then worse. So on so forth
02/16/2018 13:09:05NoahYou take a green sky, u stick it in ur head and try to keep it there, protected from all the air. You get a blue sky, u stick it in ur heart. And I try and find the key, that locked it all away from me. And then u get a gray sky, and u cant get it out of ur head. I got this gray sky and I can't get it out of my head. Where's my blue sky?
02/16/2018 13:11:58DaphneIs that your writing?
02/16/2018 13:13:43DaphneDysthymia
02/16/2018 13:15:44DaphneYour home?
02/16/2018 13:15:55DaphneLike your evil eye
02/16/2018 13:16:41NoahYeah, home. Son got it for me, supposed to watch over n protect.
02/16/2018 13:17:17DaphneWhat a sweet boy
02/16/2018 13:19:25NoahThey said Dysthymia for me for awhile, then major depressive disorder, lately its Bipolar with hypOmanic tendency. Haha. WTF
02/16/2018 13:20:25DaphneIt’s all the same
02/16/2018 13:20:49DaphneI think
02/16/2018 13:20:53DaphneWho knows lol
02/16/2018 13:21:23NoahYeah, sure feels like it.
02/16/2018 13:21:54DaphneRight now for me it’s major depression
02/16/2018 13:21:57DaphneRight now for me it’s major depression
02/16/2018 13:26:03NoahSomething dramatic worked for me once, for 2 years. But a story for another day.
02/16/2018 13:26:15NoahAnd u, have a better day.
02/16/2018 13:26:54DaphneI want the story
02/16/2018 13:27:00DaphneI will 🙂 I’m okay
02/16/2018 13:28:43DaphneCan u still help me later?
02/16/2018 13:30:28NoahYeah, she texted me. I yelled at her. Hopefully we're cool. I don't have to worry bout getting shot, just stabbed (Mexican...)
02/16/2018 13:31:17DaphneHaha I think you’re fine
02/16/2018 13:31:25DaphneThank u, I owe u big
02/16/2018 14:41:02DaphneI am a fan of your mirror in writing, what do you consider them? Poetry? Journal?
02/16/2018 14:49:04NoahFeelings at any given second. But some linger in perpetuity in the confines of my mind.
02/16/2018 14:50:24DaphneI wish I could turn my brain off lol
02/16/2018 14:50:44DaphneNothing does it for me, not even alcohol
02/16/2018 14:51:10DaphneDo you like your psychiatrist?
02/16/2018 14:51:43NoahSilence speaks as loud as war.
02/16/2018 14:52:37NoahNo. Psychiatrist's always lame. I have to tell them what to prescribe me.
02/16/2018 14:55:00DaphneYeah I haven’t seen one in a really long time, years
02/16/2018 14:55:40NoahSo no meds lately for u?
02/16/2018 15:00:34NoahNo meds worked for me for long time. Couple years ago, i finally got a few that helped. They don't make me happier. But they help with all the ancillary symptoms (lack of energy, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, tension, OCD). Ive come to accept that meds will never improve my happiness, but at least other stuff is somewhat contained.
02/16/2018 16:04:40DaphneWhat makes you happier?
02/16/2018 16:32:43DaphneAny luck?
02/16/2018 16:38:46NoahCrystal clear ocean water with white sand. Trying to make other people happy, because I cannot probaby be. Being around someone I connect with ( which is weird cause i always used to be a loner).
02/16/2018 16:39:30DaphneThose all sound nice
02/16/2018 16:39:31NoahBut that is a loaded question, because for me, depression is a disease, a chemical imbalance. As such, unhappiness is not caused by external or internal issues of the mind, simply chemicals going amiss, and thus, happiness cannot be infused by external things nor internal mind exercises ( a la psychotherapy). Thats my thesis anyways.
02/16/2018 16:41:01NoahWhat makes u happier?
02/16/2018 16:41:15DaphneYea I guess I meant anything that alleviates it temporarily
02/16/2018 16:41:53DaphneNot too much right now. Prob just the doggos
02/16/2018 16:42:35DaphneI’m pretty isolated. Self inflicted. Difficult for me to connect as well
02/16/2018 16:44:37NoahMake a circle in the sand, make a halo with ur hand, and I'll make a place for u to land.
02/16/2018 16:44:47NoahWhat usually makes u happier?
02/16/2018 16:45:32DaphneNoah!
02/16/2018 16:45:41DaphneI like your poems
02/16/2018 16:46:25NoahPoems sound gay. Im weird, but not gay. Haha.
02/16/2018 16:46:47DaphneSo what do I call them? Lol
02/16/2018 16:47:09NoahNoahisms
02/16/2018 16:47:22DaphnePerfect!
02/16/2018 16:48:03DaphneIdk what makes me happier. That’s why I always stumble when you ask what I’m going to do with my life
02/16/2018 16:49:08DaphneI daydream about being married w a family. That makes me happier
02/16/2018 16:51:48NoahI get that not knowing what u want to do. I still dont. I did what i do for the money and because its all i know. I have no passion for it. Which only adds to the misery. I think many dont ever figure it out and why so many hate their jobs n life. But for people like us with depression, that fact gets amplified.
02/16/2018 16:55:13NoahWhy do u say ur isolated? Isolated in the mind or in actuality? U seem to have plenty of friends and do things.
02/16/2018 16:57:50DaphneI don’t
02/16/2018 16:57:54NoahMy friends got old n boring. They rarely go out. Some of took sides with my ex. My former best friend in xxxx tried to hookup with my ex when we first got separated. So, most of time I end up at xxxx.
02/16/2018 16:58:12DaphneBy choice. I just don’t maintain friendships
02/16/2018 16:58:47DaphneYea funny xxxxx was my place too. They have a funny way of taking lost people in.
02/16/2018 16:59:21DaphneBut then I started to resent that place. I blew up and left
02/16/2018 16:59:47DaphneSame at xxxx. I despise those crowds now they make me sad
02/16/2018 17:00:45NoahYeah, i don't like it. Its just so close and convenient. Every time i go, i get mad at myself the next day. Im trying to stay away.
02/16/2018 17:03:17DaphneIt just finally all caught up w me
02/16/2018 17:03:24DaphneI never used to be a big drinker
02/16/2018 17:03:34DaphneI started getting wasted
02/16/2018 17:04:10DaphneTexas guy was really abusive, that became a whole thing. I couldn’t cope and I realized I had no one in that place
02/16/2018 17:05:02DaphneOr anywhere bc id lost all my close friends after working there. The lifestyle is so controversial and opposite hours normal friends don’t keep up
02/16/2018 17:07:14NoahUr in ur 20s. That's what 20s are for. Allow urself some room to have the potential for fun/joy/happiness. It's not bad to be partying in ur 20s. It sounds like u haven't really. So forgive urself and allow urself to.
02/16/2018 17:08:02DaphneNo I have, I don’t enjoy it. That’s my point
02/16/2018 17:08:09DaphneIt’s vapid
02/16/2018 17:12:54NoahWell, even better for u then, that ur done with it. I stopped when i had a kid and was married. Then we separated and i started again. Only, the partying life i knew was gone. So the only option was xxxx. Lol. I don't want to partake either, but if I dont have my kid, I don't really have anything else. I see my real friends like once every 8 weeks.
02/16/2018 17:15:41NoahI read what u just said about having no interest. But, i hope maybe ur going out with "Krista" tonight. Might be good for u and maybe ull have fun.
02/16/2018 17:16:28DaphneHaha I’m not, just helping out
02/16/2018 17:16:42DaphneAny luck btw?
02/16/2018 17:18:40NoahShe said yes. But like i said, i cant pickup till my son leaves around 8. So after that.
02/16/2018 17:19:27DaphneOk yay!
02/16/2018 17:32:37NoahSorry bout Texas guy. Figures. I hope ur alright after the fact. It's not something I understand from his perspective. But oddly enough, my ex attacked me all the time in the beginning, verbally and physically. I couldn't really do anything myself cause shes a girl. She's native American - what they say is true, fucking crazy!
02/16/2018 17:34:05DaphneIt was emotionally abusive, The mind fuckery is so daunting
02/16/2018 17:35:34DaphneI’ve watched friends in abusive relationships and supported them and could give them helpful advice all day long, but I learned there’s nothing like being in it yourself....And how much I allowed this person hurt me. It literally feels like Stockholm syndrome
02/16/2018 17:36:14DaphneLike nobody is immune, they have a recipe for hooking you, I feel like a narcissist could hook the most brilliant successful people if they wanted
02/16/2018 17:38:11DaphneI feel like verbal abusers are Isis of the mind lol, they don’t have to attack you… They just subtly program your brain to attack yourself for them
02/16/2018 17:39:34DaphneSo even after the person is gone all their ugly seeds are still planted and matured in there, That’s probably the basis of what I’m going through right now
02/16/2018 17:39:50DaphneCan’t help but wonder if it was similar with your ex
02/16/2018 17:41:32NoahMy dad is one of them. Relentless putting me down, everything i do is wrong, even how i wash the dishes. Even still, now that im older.
02/16/2018 17:46:37DaphneJesus Noah
02/16/2018 17:46:51DaphneThat’s so unfair, women can be just as abusive
02/16/2018 17:48:16DaphneWe see it all the time, women just get to slap man across the face on TV like it’s no big deal...It has the same effect, I don’t know what’s wrong with people where they think somehow women can get away with physical abuse like it’s nothing
02/16/2018 17:51:40NoahThat was just one of the minor incidents. She knows how to punch like a dude. She clocked me close fisted several times, in public in front of everyone because she knew i couldn't do anything back, while also making me mentally feel like a bitch.
02/16/2018 17:54:28NoahAnyways, the good news for u is that if a lot of ur anguish lately stems from him, then there is hope, cause that can be irradicated and fixed. Eventually u will let go of the power he had over you.
02/16/2018 17:58:37DaphneEventually
02/16/2018 17:58:43DaphneYou know that feeling though?
02/16/2018 17:59:03DaphneMaybe it’s just me, but it’s like a sick attachment that develops for the abuser
02/16/2018 18:00:11DaphneI feel like an addict. I lost all control I had before over everything. Suddenly I couldn’t control work, I couldn’t control alcohol, and I couldn’t control missing him even though he was awful. It’s demented!
02/16/2018 18:01:05NoahYeah, mine probably for different reasons, but same idea same feeling. The more they push, the more u want.
02/16/2018 18:01:39DaphneIts so messed up
02/16/2018 18:01:40DaphneAnyway
02/16/2018 18:04:42NoahYeah. Hope u get over it. And i know nothing i say will help u. But it will come in it's own time. And i repeat, because its an external issue, it will come and u will feel better.
02/16/2018 18:06:04DaphneWell talking to you about it feels good
02/16/2018 18:06:39DaphneThe situation was rough to because it made me realize how pathetic a lot of my friends are, people couldn’t really handle hearing about it
02/16/2018 18:07:10NoahWell that makes me feel, well, happier.
02/16/2018 18:07:38NoahSorry bout friends, very few true ones exist.
02/16/2018 18:10:58DaphneYou’ve always been an easy person for me to talk to you, I appreciate that. Doesn’t seem like talking about real things scares you
02/16/2018 18:14:20NoahHaha. And u thought i was just tall, dark and handsome, without any substance (wait, u were probably right). Lol. I'm real, i seek people with soul and substance. But i do hide behind a facade.
02/16/2018 18:17:16NoahI am covered in skin, no one gets to come in. Pull me out from inside.
02/16/2018 18:17:18DaphneYeah well you’re really nice to me and I get the sense you’re not nice to everyone
02/16/2018 18:17:39DaphneI am colorblind
02/16/2018 18:17:56DaphneLol
02/16/2018 18:18:34NoahYep. I've always had some sorta connection with u. Dunno why.
02/16/2018 18:18:42NoahAnyways, gotta feed kid. I'll text u when plans firm up.
02/16/2018 18:20:22DaphneThat word substance always confuses me, what makes a person substantial
02/16/2018 18:23:13NoahIts an abstract, for me its heart, Soul, not superficial, real, thoughtful.
02/16/2018 18:25:31DaphneThat makes sense, I like that definition
02/16/2018 18:38:20NoahStart thinking bout where u wanna pickup or me to dropoff. I think I'll be around xxx. Should be bout 9.
02/16/2018 18:39:31DaphneYou pick a place! I never do this so I don’t know even what is kosher lol
02/16/2018 18:53:38NoahAre you a police officer?
02/16/2018 18:54:59DaphneNo course not
02/16/2018 18:55:15DaphneWhat do u want my social security number lol
02/16/2018 18:55:42NoahHmmm
02/16/2018 18:55:50NoahLol
02/16/2018 18:55:52DaphneWhere’s a good spot for a drink in LoHi?
02/16/2018 18:56:25DaphneLol I had the same thought about you
02/16/2018 18:56:44DaphneThen I was like oh yea you guys get trashed together and drive home so no chance
02/16/2018 18:57:13DaphneThat won’t be happening tonight though btw lol I’ll be driving like a sweet old granny
02/16/2018 18:57:56DaphneDressed like one too
02/16/2018 18:58:33DaphneBut yea, wanna grab a quick drink?
02/16/2018 19:01:06DaphneU can meet my goons, im gonna take them for a spin
02/16/2018 19:01:39NoahYes. That will also make it easier to pass along. Since its just one drink, ill find an easier spot, as opposed to a good one.
02/16/2018 19:04:06DaphneSounds good!
02/16/2018 19:28:26NoahShe's gonna meet me at xxxx (gotta make sure the kids have fun, hehe). That's closer to u. U know any bars round there? If not, I'll find something.
02/16/2018 19:29:02DaphneI don’t! U find something and I’ll show up.
02/16/2018 19:29:21DaphneI want an enchilada! Find a shitty Mexican place lol
02/16/2018 19:29:32NoahOk
02/16/2018 19:29:50DaphneI’ll look up spots now
02/16/2018 19:29:56DaphneSo xxxx ?
02/16/2018 19:31:32NoahThat's where im meeting her. If u know something closer to u, thats fine cause i will already be up in xxxx .
02/16/2018 19:33:35DaphneHmmm I don’t know xxxx just xxxx
02/16/2018 19:33:37DaphneI’ll check it out
02/16/2018 19:36:25DaphneLet me know what you’re near at the time and I’ll choose a spot
02/16/2018 19:36:27DaphneI’m not picky
02/16/2018 19:36:48DaphneSorry you have to go all that way. I’ll make it Up to you I promise
02/16/2018 19:38:52NoahShit, she just texted. She only got 1/2 now. She's such a pain in my ass. I can try my other guy if u want all of it?
02/16/2018 19:39:23DaphneNo half is fine!!
02/16/2018 19:39:45NoahSure? Last chance.
02/16/2018 19:39:47DaphneDude you’re doing me a huge favor to do a friend a favor, they take what they can get
02/16/2018 19:39:55DaphneYes
02/16/2018 19:40:52DaphneI’m hopping in the shower right now
02/16/2018 19:41:26DaphneIf she bails or something try the other guy but otherwise I’m all good w any amount
02/16/2018 19:44:33Noah. Nothing aeound there. That's a hike. I'll make my way back to this place. Probably be a little after 9 now. I'll let u know.
02/16/2018 19:49:56DaphnePerfect!
02/16/2018 19:51:30DaphneLove a good shitty Mexican place
02/16/2018 19:51:37DaphneSo much cheeeese
02/16/2018 19:52:22NoahMe too. Got the chance to get stabbed twice tonight.
02/16/2018 19:52:22DaphneSo much cheeeese
02/16/2018 19:53:15DaphneHaha
02/16/2018 19:53:17DaphneDon’t forget me. 3 Times
02/16/2018 19:53:17DaphneJkjk
02/16/2018 19:53:17DaphneOk for real though shower for 20
02/16/2018 20:16:08DaphneBtw if You’re more comfortable meeting in xxxx t hat’s OK w me too, you don’t have to make it all convenient for me lol
02/16/2018 20:21:12NoahProbably back to 9
02/16/2018 20:37:37DaphneText me when I should come. Just drying my hair
02/16/2018 20:44:44NoahHold up, can't find her.
02/16/2018 20:45:21DaphneUh oh
02/16/2018 20:46:08DaphneIf she flakes will you find your guy? My friends think it’s all good to go
02/16/2018 20:47:22DaphneThank you Noah sorry for all the hassle, promise I’ll make it up to you
02/16/2018 20:47:32DaphnePromise her extra, I’ll pay!
02/16/2018 20:47:58NoahShe said her phone was bout to die.
02/16/2018 20:48:36DaphneSo like meet her there or what?
02/16/2018 20:48:49DaphneYou not me obvi
02/16/2018 20:49:13NoahTold me to come in. Don't see her.
02/16/2018 20:51:57DaphneEek ok
02/16/2018 20:52:04DaphneWill u wait?
02/16/2018 20:52:16DaphneI’ll come meet u anyway
02/16/2018 20:52:48NoahGot it. Heading to restaurant.
02/16/2018 20:55:09DaphneYea all good??
02/16/2018 20:55:17DaphneOk I’ll leave here in 5
02/16/2018 20:55:27DaphneI’m like 15 away are you ok waiting?
02/16/2018 20:56:18NoahI'm 15 to
02/16/2018 21:08:59NoahHere. Shall i go in or wait?
02/16/2018 21:10:58DaphneGo in! On my way
02/16/2018 21:11:07NoahOk
02/16/2018 21:13:41DaphneI just picked up??
02/16/2018 21:14:34NoahHuh? I'm inside at bar, getting drink.
02/16/2018 21:17:33DaphnePicked up your call
02/16/2018 21:17:35DaphneOk
02/16/2018 21:17:44DaphneCoin marg plz
02/16/2018 21:17:52DaphneSee u soon
02/16/2018 21:18:21NoahWhat's coin?
02/16/2018 21:24:03DaphneCoin margarita
02/16/2018 21:24:10DaphneNo sugar marg
02/16/2018 21:24:18DaphneSilver tequila
02/16/2018 21:24:50NoahUmm, not fancy here. I just got margarita and mix is super sweet.
02/16/2018 21:29:07DaphneThat works lol
02/16/2018 21:29:51NoahI'll just wait n let u order. Not busy.
02/16/2018 21:30:18DaphneI know I’m teasing
02/16/2018 21:30:59DaphneYou mean xxxx isn’t poppin on Friday night?!?!
02/16/2018 21:31:21DaphneMaps says it’s off Sheridan right?
02/16/2018 21:31:30NoahOh, plenty of gun fire here.
02/16/2018 21:31:41DaphneHaha
02/16/2018 21:31:43NoahYes.
02/16/2018 21:31:47Daphne5 min away
02/16/2018 21:32:02DaphneYou’re so close to me u should have come to my shitty apt
02/16/2018 21:32:49DaphneDude the best Mexican is over here
02/16/2018 21:32:53Daphnexxxx
02/16/2018 21:33:08Daphnexxxx is the best! If you like Mexican soup
02/16/2018 21:34:05NoahYes, i know. I feel a little too dressed up, even though im wearing jeans.
02/16/2018 21:35:56NoahIm paranoid and im not even doing any sugar.
02/16/2018 23:25:15DaphneHey Noah thanks again, help aside... had lots of fun hanging with you 🙂 hope we can do it again soon
02/16/2018 23:52:04NoahOMG. Im actually am home, didn't try n in do anything. Can u ask "Krista" tomorrow how that stuff is. I yelled at my dealer earlier because last time i got it, for the first time, it was bad. And i didn't get any 2nite to try. I too am trying to clean up, at least for a little while. But if that stuff is bunk again, i gotta problem with her.
02/16/2018 23:54:37NoahDump on a plate. Put a dollar bill on top of it. Rub bill with edge of credit card. I know u know, but u gotta break her shit down real good.
02/16/2018 23:59:21DaphneHaha I’ll ask. Dropped off, just got home.
02/16/2018 23:59:55NoahGo Out With Them!
02/16/2018 23:59:59DaphneAll Mae had to say was #metoo. Poor lil girl

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