DAY 4

Technically, I could be writing these posts everyday because there was always something relatively meaningful (to me) to discuss.  In fact, that was my original intent when I first started this in October.  I’ve realized in order to see this thru to its conclusion,  I cannot put that kind of pressure on myself as it would ultimately dissuade me from completing this.  It is unlikely I could keep it up every day for 142+ days.

As soon as we got home from the Mexican restaurant the night of Day One, Daphne and I started texting again, which continued through the remainder of the evening and into the wee hours of the next morning.  We each giddily discussed how good it was to get together in a casual setting without the social façades.  Like earlier in the restaurant, our text exchanges were completely genuine, grounded, and playful.  All of a sudden, Daphne became normalized and down-to-earth to me.  I no longer saw or thought of her as a stripper (former at that point).  There was no connection between the two people.  There was no evidence of the stripper, no pretense that I had to buy her drinks or dinner and no thoughts of me owing her something. 

Daphne quickly mentioned how we should do those kind of casual dinners more often.  Then shortly thereafter, she asked me if I wanted to do it again the next night and also if I wanted to see a band play near where she lived.  I told her I couldn’t  because I had my kid for the next few days, after which she offered to hang out with the both of us.  I was taken aback a little, as you may recall, when I last saw Daphne at the strip club and told her that I had to watch my son the next day, she quipped how boring that was.  I guess that was part of the illusion of her dancer persona.  I was also still a little guarded with Daphne after all her previous disses and had become cognizant of there being “too much of a good thing.” 

Daphne had opened up to me and revealed the truth of her person.  I saw for the first time who she really was on the inside.  Turns out she was a vulnerable young women –  anxious about her future having just graduated, confused about her past with her ex, reconciling with her former profession, disappointed in her family’s disappointment of her life, and a lifetime sufferer of depression.  All of these put Daphne in a state of mental paralysis one year ago.  She slept most of the day, rarely left the house, seldom hung out with friends, and didn’t think about her next career move or her future.  She also couldn’t completely get settled into her new apartment, didn’t entirely unpack or straighten the place up.  All of the vulnerability, strange for most people, was the “icing on the cake” for me.   My desire for Daphne was transitioning beyond superficial lust.

Daphne’s willingness to disclose her weaknesses and susceptibilities meant she thought I was attentive, caring, and understanding.  People don’t generally share their hurt to just anyone.  Nonetheless, at that point, I wasn’t thinking that she had interest in me romantically or sexually.  In fact, I felt like maybe she had even less interest in any of those notions and that I was moving toward the “friend zone.”  I definitely became someone unique and special to her and I cared not at that point.  I finally was spending time, even if only through texts at that point, with someone I desired for so long, who just made me covet her more by revealing her true self.   In doing so, Daphne gave me Supraventricular Tachycardia, which is a condition where one has a rapid heartbeat at rest, without exercise or anxieties, that causes dizziness and lightheadedness.

“Me too. Thanks for hanging. Sorry, I still can't look at u. The lips, the eyes, and now i notice the skin. But even more important, i now got ur substance after all these years.” 

--- Noah

RE: Day One Goodnight Messages

“I am desperately shy, especially in the midst of such beauty. I try, i cannot lie, but i get lost in ur eyes.” 

--- Noah (cringing)

RE: Day One Goodnight Messages

“Sorry. Have a nice night. Dream a wonderful dream that fills ur losses with warmth.” 

--- Noah

RE: Day One Goodnight Messages

“I guess u don't realize how amazing u are. As tacky as that sounds. U must have always realized how gorgeous u are, but u probably never knew how beautiful u are. And i didn't know it either, till today, when u let me in.” 

--- Noah

RE: Day One Goodnight Messages

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At the conclusion of Day One, I sent her a few texts with special sentiments to hopefully help her feel better, improve sleep , ease general anxieties, and to end her night with positivity.  The messages from that first night are presented above.  I did the same thing the next morning.  In fact, I set a precedent that first night because from that point on I did the same thing over the entire 142 nights (with the exception of maybe five).  It became quite challenging to come up with something meaningful, uplifting, and/or loving every night.  I carried on the morning messages for quite awhile, but ultimately, I could not do both and the daily morning texts usually lacked the distinct message.  Every night I thought hard to come up with something eloquent and that could be impactful to her mental state.  Although, those messages eventually became more explicit expressions of my love for her.  Those messages were often “cheesy” as I read them now, but they came from the deep chasms of my soul.  They definitely prod at the little sense of masculinity that I have, but she made me feel like a poetic teenager.  I wanted Daphne to feel better about herself, the direction of her life, and that someone cared about her.  I also must admit that in the beginning, it was a way to stay romantically present with her, little subtle sentiments to let her know that l thought of her as more than a friend.

Over the next three days, Daphne and I exchanged a combined 84 text messages per day on average.  For the most part, the communications were more lighthearted and casual.  It was already like we were in a long, serious (but enjoyable) relationship, or maybe more like teenagers in their first love.  However, I know for her it was more like she found a new BFF.  She would check in and ask me how I was doing, which would lead to a series of texts and then we would do it all over again later.  I did specifically asked her how her mood was and she said much better, which was evident.  Not to be brash, but I know it was because of our interactions.  She found someone she could confide in and provide support when needed, while also being frivolous as the conversation dictated.

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