DAY 23

Missed Connection

With her recent visitations to my house, nightly outings, and our overall newfound connection, you can imagine that I was that much more smitten with Daphne.  I practically begged for the heavens to grant me my wish to be with her – not unlike the mythical Apollo’s own lust for Daphne.  Although, I would often shut those thoughts down by telling myself I had no chance with her.  Sometimes, I would allow myself to wish for just a small amount of time with Daphne, where we would be in a relationship.  In addition to my insecurity, I knew Daphne was still dealing with confusion over her ex, so I didn’t want to add to the confusion by revealing my true feelings for her.  Daphne had mentioned a few times that she felt vulnerable.  I had to respect that and not take advantage of it.  At the time, I needed to stay in the friends zone.  However, I was worried that I would start to progress too far into that zone, so I felt like I did need to convey some kind of deeper emotions to her without explicitly confessing my true feelings.  So I created the following mock Craigslist-style ad and emailed it to her.  The picture was at a bar from our outing a week prior.

In Search Of Daphne

In receiving the ad, Daphne’s first text response was “lolo.”  Not exactly what I was hoping for.  I don’t think she understood it at first glance, as she asked what “ISO” meant (In Search Of).  Then she said that it was “the most amazing thing she ever read,” making her blush, and giving her tears.  That was the exact response I was hoping for.  I think the most important part of this piece is the last few sentences.  As you can sense, I was still very cognizant that she might disappear again.  This was a way of me saying again that I wanted a small piece of her (heart) and would accept that it would just be a small piece that may be fleeting.  As stated, I also wanted to let her know I would always support her no matter what happens or where she goes.  This statement is one of a few sentiments or realizations where I believe I failed myself in the end.

My Failure

In reading my mock ad for Daphne, it is evident that I fully understood that I may never be with Daphne romantically or that she may flee my life at any moment.  It is also apparent that I reconciled with these notions and was willing to take the risk and face any consequences of continuing to move forward with her.  As I stated when I started this Memoir, I quickly forgave Daphne for her transgressions and her termination of our relationship (I was/am distraught over the manner in which it happened and the lack of reasoning).  With this forgiveness I believe I would indeed welcome her back into my life in some capacity and that I would always support her in life.  This part of the ad is not the failure.  Where I failed is that I clearly perceived that Daphne was going to leave my life, so I should not be hurt by her departure because I could have stopped it right then.  I willingly chose to carry on with whatever our relationship was.  I should actually be thankful for our time together because I got the exact short romantic relationship that I was willing to settle for just to get a small piece of Daphne.  Yet, I am not thankful, I am pained, I am hurt.  This is my failure.  I made a deal with the devil and didn’t keep my end of the bargain.

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