DAY 28

My last post was on Day 24.  On Day 25 Daphne and I exchanged a combined 145 messages and then another 516 over the following three days.  We were incredibly close at that point, platonically, and we would share everything about our daily lives, our work lives, and our former relationships.  All of the sudden, she became the closest person in my life and I’m fairly certain I was the same to her.  The constant ability to communicate with her is one of the primary reasons I believe Daphne was the only love of my life.  Daphne and I always had something to talk about.  It never got old.  There were no awkward silences.  With the exception of a childhood (male) friend, I have never had that kind of communicative connection with someone before.  This includes my entire relationship with my ex-wife.  Actually, it is not anything I ever thought possible, particularly with the opposite sex.  Daphne was a once in a lifetime pairing for me.  Daphne was the “one” I had always wanted, but could never fathom.

Random Question

Of course, during this time I was not fully aware of the magnitude of my feelings.  We were not even romantically or sexually involved yet.  For this reason, I was becoming increasingly worried about how this was going to end for me.  The closer I got to Daphne the more I worried how bad it was going to hurt when it ended.  Again, I was too far into the friend zone and I knew that being in that state was not going to work for me at some point.  One time amidst a casual texting session, I got the following message from Daphne completely out of the blue:

“Do you like me bc I’m unavailable?   …And I mean like me, even as a friend.”

In the hopes of getting an explanation, I told her I didn’t even know what that question meant.  Although, at first read it was fairly obvious.  She was telling me I didn’t have a chance with her.  However, as I thought about it more, I wondered if maybe she was just questioning why I only saw her as a friend and not being more romantically or sexually forward with her.  No matter what the actual intent of the question was, it was not good for me and was a confirmation of one of my fears.  Ultimately, I did not want to address the first and most likely meaning of the question, so I addressed what I wanted to believe was the intent.  It was a little easier to swallow.  The complete text string of this conversation is listed at the end of this post.

Jaw Drop!

After that, the conversation just ended and the topic was changed like she never brought it up in the first place.  I never learned her true intent.  However, much later during the same day, my insecurity would take another blow.  Daphne and I were messaging about how her ex would criticize her appearance no matter what side of the spectrum.  Her ex would tell her if she wore sexy clothes that she was a slut, but when she covered up he would check out other women.  If she was social, he said she was being loose, but if she was quiet she was awkward.  He also said when she was skinny he would tell her she was too “muscley.”  She told that when she moved in with him that she worked out all the time because she had nothing else to do.  She sent me a picture to show me how skinny she was during that time.

OMG!  My fucking jaw dropped.  I know Daphne was a former stripper, but I actually had not seen her strip in years.  I forgot how stunning her body was and I also love women in lingerie more than them being naked (one of my tamer sexual fetishes).  Clearly this was another example of Daphne’s ex being insecure and needing to control her.  In my mind, Daphne is physical perfection.

Walkaways

After our texting session ended, I started feeling mentally nauseous.  I realized there was no way in hell someone looking like that would ever date me, especially when considering her earlier statement about being unavailable.  There is no way I could compete for her affection with someone closer to her age and better looking.  I already had felt this anyways.  Daphne never led me on to make me believe I had a chance with dating her.  Plus, she kept discussing how vulnerable and messed up she was from her former relationship.  However, when she asked me that question and sent me that picture, it was a punch of reality in the gut.

So I went to bed drenched in disappointment and woke up doused in depression.  I felt that I needed to get out of this thing I had going with Daphne and run while I still could.  I was thinking about self-preservation.  If it had ended that day, it was still already going to cause me significant mental anguish, but I also imagined how bad it would be if I did carry on.  This was all foreshadowing of what was to come.

"Random Question" Text String

Date_TimeSenderMessage
03/16/2018 01:12:28NoahYes. Thin red onion spirals.
03/16/2018 01:15:49DaphneDo you like me bc I’m unavailable
03/16/2018 01:15:56DaphneTell me the truth
03/16/2018 01:16:30DaphneSorry to sound crude
03/16/2018 01:16:40DaphneI know that sounds ugly
03/16/2018 01:16:57DaphneAnd I mean like me even as a friend
03/16/2018 01:18:53NoahI don't even know what that means. I like u because of the reasons in my "Missed Connections.". And cause we have a good repoir. We always have despite the way we met.
03/16/2018 01:19:18DaphneTrue
03/16/2018 01:23:03DaphneMissed connection?
03/16/2018 01:28:00DaphneI see that but what do you mean
03/16/2018 01:29:16DaphneI guess I don’t understand why you’re so kind to me
03/16/2018 01:33:37NoahAre u asking me that cause ur wondering why i haven't been more forward with u, despite ur unavailability? Ur unavailability is it and given what u are going thru surrounding ur ex, u don't need someone hitting on you n assertively pursuing u. I don't know, but it seems u need a friend who will listen and understand. Im not a 20 something just trying to land you, or whatever.
03/16/2018 01:35:08NoahWhy am i nice to u? Cause i connect with u, n that is rare for me. Therefore, i take care of those people.
03/16/2018 01:35:51NoahIt's also because after divorce im trying to be a better person.
03/16/2018 01:38:00NoahI dunno. I'm weird n unique.
03/16/2018 01:44:13DaphneYou’re so kind to me
03/16/2018 01:46:59NoahDon't u deserve that? Yes, u do.
03/16/2018 02:33:35DaphneIf you say so
03/16/2018 02:34:13DaphneI’m sorry, I disappeared to mop. I went to get food and came home to a massacre
03/16/2018 02:35:16NoahI shouldn't have to, u should know it and demand it.
03/16/2018 02:36:58DaphneI do
03/16/2018 02:37:20DaphneBut not in an ugly way
03/16/2018 02:37:32DaphneI’m grateful
03/16/2018 02:39:50NoahI didn't mean me, i meant from whoever u surround urself with.

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