My last post was on Day 24. On Day 25 Daphne and I exchanged a combined 145 messages and then another 516 over the following three days. We were incredibly close at that point, platonically, and we would share everything about our daily lives, our work lives, and our former relationships. All of the sudden, she became the closest person in my life and I’m fairly certain I was the same to her. The constant ability to communicate with her is one of the primary reasons I believe Daphne was the only love of my life. Daphne and I always had something to talk about. It never got old. There were no awkward silences. With the exception of a childhood (male) friend, I have never had that kind of communicative connection with someone before. This includes my entire relationship with my ex-wife. Actually, it is not anything I ever thought possible, particularly with the opposite sex. Daphne was a once in a lifetime pairing for me. Daphne was the “one” I had always wanted, but could never fathom.
Of course, during this time I was not fully aware of the magnitude of my feelings. We were not even romantically or sexually involved yet. For this reason, I was becoming increasingly worried about how this was going to end for me. The closer I got to Daphne the more I worried how bad it was going to hurt when it ended. Again, I was too far into the friend zone and I knew that being in that state was not going to work for me at some point. One time amidst a casual texting session, I got the following message from Daphne completely out of the blue:
“Do you like me bc I’m unavailable? …And I mean like me, even as a friend.”
In the hopes of getting an explanation, I told her I didn’t even know what that question meant. Although, at first read it was fairly obvious. She was telling me I didn’t have a chance with her. However, as I thought about it more, I wondered if maybe she was just questioning why I only saw her as a friend and not being more romantically or sexually forward with her. No matter what the actual intent of the question was, it was not good for me and was a confirmation of one of my fears. Ultimately, I did not want to address the first and most likely meaning of the question, so I addressed what I wanted to believe was the intent. It was a little easier to swallow. The complete text string of this conversation is listed at the end of this post.
After that, the conversation just ended and the topic was changed like she never brought it up in the first place. I never learned her true intent. However, much later during the same day, my insecurity would take another blow. Daphne and I were messaging about how her ex would criticize her appearance no matter what side of the spectrum. Her ex would tell her if she wore sexy clothes that she was a slut, but when she covered up he would check out other women. If she was social, he said she was being loose, but if she was quiet she was awkward. He also said when she was skinny he would tell her she was too “muscley.” She told that when she moved in with him that she worked out all the time because she had nothing else to do. She sent me a picture to show me how skinny she was during that time.
OMG! My fucking jaw dropped. I know Daphne was a former stripper, but I actually had not seen her strip in years. I forgot how stunning her body was and I also love women in lingerie more than them being naked (one of my tamer sexual fetishes). Clearly this was another example of Daphne’s ex being insecure and needing to control her. In my mind, Daphne is physical perfection.
After our texting session ended, I started feeling mentally nauseous. I realized there was no way in hell someone looking like that would ever date me, especially when considering her earlier statement about being unavailable. There is no way I could compete for her affection with someone closer to her age and better looking. I already had felt this anyways. Daphne never led me on to make me believe I had a chance with dating her. Plus, she kept discussing how vulnerable and messed up she was from her former relationship. However, when she asked me that question and sent me that picture, it was a punch of reality in the gut.
So I went to bed drenched in disappointment and woke up doused in depression. I felt that I needed to get out of this thing I had going with Daphne and run while I still could. I was thinking about self-preservation. If it had ended that day, it was still already going to cause me significant mental anguish, but I also imagined how bad it would be if I did carry on. This was all foreshadowing of what was to come.
"Random Question" Text String
|03/16/2018 01:12:28||Noah||Yes. Thin red onion spirals.|
|03/16/2018 01:15:49||Daphne||Do you like me bc I’m unavailable|
|03/16/2018 01:15:56||Daphne||Tell me the truth|
|03/16/2018 01:16:30||Daphne||Sorry to sound crude|
|03/16/2018 01:16:40||Daphne||I know that sounds ugly|
|03/16/2018 01:16:57||Daphne||And I mean like me even as a friend|
|03/16/2018 01:18:53||Noah||I don't even know what that means. I like u because of the reasons in my "Missed Connections.". And cause we have a good repoir. We always have despite the way we met.|
|03/16/2018 01:23:03||Daphne||Missed connection?|
|03/16/2018 01:28:00||Daphne||I see that but what do you mean|
|03/16/2018 01:29:16||Daphne||I guess I don’t understand why you’re so kind to me|
|03/16/2018 01:33:37||Noah||Are u asking me that cause ur wondering why i haven't been more forward with u, despite ur unavailability? Ur unavailability is it and given what u are going thru surrounding ur ex, u don't need someone hitting on you n assertively pursuing u. I don't know, but it seems u need a friend who will listen and understand. Im not a 20 something just trying to land you, or whatever.|
|03/16/2018 01:35:08||Noah||Why am i nice to u? Cause i connect with u, n that is rare for me. Therefore, i take care of those people.|
|03/16/2018 01:35:51||Noah||It's also because after divorce im trying to be a better person.|
|03/16/2018 01:38:00||Noah||I dunno. I'm weird n unique.|
|03/16/2018 01:44:13||Daphne||You’re so kind to me|
|03/16/2018 01:46:59||Noah||Don't u deserve that? Yes, u do.|
|03/16/2018 02:33:35||Daphne||If you say so|
|03/16/2018 02:34:13||Daphne||I’m sorry, I disappeared to mop. I went to get food and came home to a massacre|
|03/16/2018 02:35:16||Noah||I shouldn't have to, u should know it and demand it.|
|03/16/2018 02:36:58||Daphne||I do|
|03/16/2018 02:37:20||Daphne||But not in an ugly way|
|03/16/2018 02:37:32||Daphne||I’m grateful|
|03/16/2018 02:39:50||Noah||I didn't mean me, i meant from whoever u surround urself with.|