DAY 29

As discussed in the last post, Daphne asked me if I liked her because she was unavailable.  She texted this to me in the early morning hours.  Later that night, Daphne and I once again went out to some area bars for the Friday night.  This was now a regular-occurrence for Fridays.  As always, we had an amazing time hopping around some bars and just talking.  Occasionally, we would interact with others, but we primarily just sat and talked to each other for all the hours we spent out.  There was never a dull moment.  We could go on and on, from subject to subject. 

When the bars shut down we got in her car to go home and ended up talking in her car for awhile.  The conversation turned to her wanting new boobs.  She was explaining why and then pulled her shirt down to show me.  She started squeezing them and told me to feel them, touch her boobs.  She egged me on and said something to the effect of you would just be touching them, no penetration involved.  Daphne of course was a stripper and is naturally not shy about showing her body.  Still, I was taken aback since we just had the conversation about her being unavailable the previous morning.  I chalked it up to the alcohol.  She was truly just asking me to feel her boobs.  I don’t think she was looking to make out or anything more.  Nonetheless, it is a moment I had wanted for so long, but I told her I couldn’t do it.  We had revealed so many emotional and mental strives to each other over the prior two weeks and one of the consistent issues she mentioned was her sense of vulnerability.  I could not take advantage of that in her drunken state. 

I’m sure any heterosexual males would seriously be questioning my masculinity and own sexuality at that point.  I wanted Daphne so bad and was tired of being in the friend zone, but I knew that if I violated her trust everything and anything between us would be over the next day.  It was not the right time.  She was not ready yet to create additional confusion in her life by fooling around with me.  Had something happened between us at that point her mental state would have regressed after seemingly having been vastly improved in recent weeks.  I thought she may have also ultimately felt violated after candidly baring her inner-most struggles with me.  Despite all my lust and connection with Daphne, I had to step up and be the bigger person and resist my own desires. 

Even so, there was some subconscious selfishness in my resistance as well.  I was not seeking a quick fix of Daphne.  I was contemplating the bigger picture.  I wanted much more of Daphne than a touch.  I selfishly wanted her to develop feelings for me and to desire me like I did her.  This was not going to happen had I just started groping her the first time I got the invite.  I didn’t want to be the only one in pursuit.  I know it sounds contrary to my claim of wanting to get out of the friend zone, but I felt like we needed more time as friends if she was going to foster deeper emotions for me.  It almost felt like a celestial test to determine how much I really cared for Daphne.  In order to have a chance at a more meaningful relationship, I needed to resist any of my own primal sexual instincts toward her.  Due to her sense of vulnerability, Daphne needed someone to listen, support, and care for her at that time without fear of judgement and without an expectation to reciprocate.  Only then would she be able to move on from her past relationship and truly be ready for a new one.  So I thought!

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