TODAY - MAY 6, 2019
Needless to say, I’ve found this blog increasingly difficult to keep up with. It is not due to any direct pain from Daphne’s vacancy. I rarely even think of her, only in the context that I feel so utterly damaged and broken from the experience. It’s almost like she, Daphne, is irrelevant, it is the disruption and pain that I was left with that I still deal with every day. A mental bruise that refuses to go away. I don’t even have the energy to try to spread the ailment with ointment.
The energy is what has kept me from carrying on with this Memoir. My interest in everything has only gotten worse. As discussed, I’ve always dealt with clinical depression. I won’t say this feels the worst of the worst. It feels painful in some other indescribable way. Depression always comes with a loss of hope and interest, but those two emotions seem more prevalent than my other serious bouts.
I’d like to carry on, while at other times since I last made an entry, I was saying just fuck this whole thing. However, I really would like to see it through for whatever it may be worth, which is probably nothing. Given my current state, I don’t know if it will happen. Even if I do carry on, I’m way behind and disappointed that I couldn’t keep the chronology flowing. Although, that may not be a bad thing, as perhaps the remainder of what I write will be less systematic and structured. In fact, maybe it was the structure that was wearing me down. Initially, I enjoyed making the entries and they brought me nothing but fond memories, rarely anything damaging to my current state. Perhaps the systematic posts started making me dread writing new posts so regularly.
So, we shall see if I will carry on with this Memoir. I post this just to provide closure to this if I do not choose to carry on. me.