Time has a way of forgetting. Sadly over time, one may barely remember the other years down the line – no matter how close you may have once been. The intense emotions and intimate bond that persisted during the relationship will certainly fade away. I am old enough to have lived this lapse of memory. This is the real tragedy of a breakup. It reminds me of “Elderly Women Behind the Counter in a Small Town” by Pearl Jam.
It is partially for this reason that I decided to write this memoir – I do not ever want to forget the 142 days I spent with Daphne. After being friendly acquaintances for years, once Daphne and I started to actually getting to know each other, I quickly realized that I loved her. I succumbed to that love and then quickly started to realize that she was the only I have ever loved in my life. I’m 44 and I had just discovered this. I’ve had the requisite number of girlfriends for my age and was even married for several years. During those relationships, I thought I too should be in love, so I tried playing the role with these girls without ever really feeling anything. To me, this was the norm. I really never believed in the love you see in movies, read in books, or hear in music. At the end of any of my former relationships, including my failed marriage, I would have never thought of writing a memoir like this, as I never felt much of a loss from any of these breakups. Due to my emotion void, I was usually the one ending the relationship.
The other reason I’m writing this Memoir is because I am madly in love with Daphne and I feel the pain like only someone who is in love can. Something I never have felt before. Daphne called an end to whatever it is we were doing 75 days ago today. I am still devastated and not only need an outlet for my expression, but need a project, or creative activity, to work on. I have no joy these days and cannot seem to just go back to how my life was before Daphne and I started communicating in sincerity on February 16, 2018.
Another other reason I’m undertaking this memoir is to hopefully gain an understanding of what happened to lead to the separation. I know little of the reasoning and have little insight into what transpired in her head. This is what really weighs on my mind nowadays. People obviously break up all the time. You can’t make someone who doesn’t want to be with you, be with you and love you back. Fine. While distressing as the breakup was, I could learn to live with it. However, the lack of understanding is torturous to me. I’m hoping that getting this all out “on paper” might bring some clarity.
I cannot help feel that this story is not over and that she will someday reach out to me. I do not believe I am confusing this with my own feelings of hopeful desperation. I don’t know if she will reach out in a year, three, or ten. This is not me being egotistical and I don’t not mean to imply she will reach out to me for the purposes of getting back into some sort of relationship. I don’t know why she would reach out, but I feel it in my soul she will. Of course, I was obviously wrong about the breadth of the love I thought we felt for each other, so maybe my soul is lying to me again. I also have no idea what I would say or do, but I never really found myself angry at her. I would request a solid explanation of what happened so I can get this out of my head and get closure. If the day does come, I believe it will be when she is completely out of my head, when I’m no longer anxiously looking at my text messages with the hope it will be her, when I’m not expecting it anymore. At a time when it would be a shock.